The difference between a healthy boundary and an emotional wall
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Years ago I used to be emotionally bulldozed.
I had no boundaries. I would let people unload all of their emotional baggage on to me, say ‘yes’ to every activity so I wouldn’t offend anybody and try to save and help anybody before myself.
It left me feeling depleted, lonely and to be honest…angry.
That’s when my walls went up. I didn’t realise at the time that it was my responsibility to look after myself. I was angry at those people for ‘using’ me, robbing me of my emotional energy and ‘making’ me put them first.
Then when I began deep diving into my self-development journey, I realised that I had just given everyone control. Like sharing your Netflix password - of course they’re going to log-in and use it. It’s there for the taking!
I learnt that I needed to set and maintain boundaries to protect my own energy - to actually start prioritising myself.
So, what’s the difference between a boundary and a wall?
One of the big differences between a boundary and an emotional wall is the end result.
Boundaries are in place for you to become expansive and look after your emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Creating boundaries is healthy. It is a self-empowering act that is not about controlling others, but powerfully looking after yourself to defend your space, health and energy.
Creating boundaries is a process; it includes getting clear on your intention, communication to the potential other party and a change.
So what about emotional walls? Essentially this is a reactive construct normally stemming from loneliness or pain. Walls can completely cut us off from important, healthy connection, preventing us to communicate and share our feelings. Walls happen when we’re trying to deeply control something. Although we would love to, we can’t control everything in life. We create walls to protect ourselves and our fears from coming to life.
Let’s use boundaries and emotional walls in an example:
You were dating someone who turned out to be a total douchebag - they lied to you and really hurt you.
Boundary: telling yourself to take some time until you actively get back in the dating game. You are open to trusting and giving someone an opportunity again, but you now know the behaviour you will not tolerate. You are still prioritising yourself and not cutting yourself off completely.
Emotional wall: telling yourself that you can’t trust anyone and that it’s better to not become attached to anyone again. You stop dating completely until you find the perfect partner who ticks your long list of requirements (hint: the perfect person doesn’t exist!), so you *know* you won’t get hurt again.
When we compare the two - boundaries are created out of a decision to create something different. It requires honesty, vulnerability and bravery to make changes for good. Emotional walls are a defence mechanism, a reaction to something that limits yourself.
We get it, creating boundaries can be really tough and takes practice.
For this, we look to the queen of personal development, Brené Brown, who shares this advice:
Make a mantra: Brené uses the mantra "Choose discomfort over resentment." It reminds her that even though it can be tough, it’s important to make the choice that’s critical for her wellbeing.
Rehearse: Practice responding to things in the mirror or when you’re by yourself at home. Have phrases like "I can't take that on" or "My plate is full” ready in your response repertoire.